50+ Funny Quotes and Images 2019 To Make You Laugh Out Loud

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50+ Funny Quotes and Images : Our assortment of funny quotes that are short, simple to recollect however still uproarious. Repeat or copy these quotes dead set your friends to create them laugh!

  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

    – Abraham Lincoln

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  • Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

    – Abraham Lincoln

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  • No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

    – Abraham Lincoln

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  • If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

    – Abraham Lincoln

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  • I have the curse of thinking funny!

    – Adam West

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  • The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

    – Al Gore

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  • My primary responsibility is to be funny.

    – Al Madrigal

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  • We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.

    – Alanis Morissette

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  • Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

    – Albert Einstein

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  • When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

    – Albert Einstein

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  • Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

    – Alex Haley

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  • Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

    – Alexander Woollcott

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  • Obama isn’t funny.

    – Alexandra Petri

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  • Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.

    – Alfred Hitchcock

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  • If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

    – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

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  • He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.

    – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

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  • 50+ Funny Quotes and Images

  • We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity – romantic love and gunpowder.

    – Andre Maurois

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  • Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.

    – Andre Maurois

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  • My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

    – Angie Dickinson

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  • I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.

    – Anna Held

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  • Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

    – Anthony Burgess

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  • Every dogma has its day.

    – Anthony Burgess

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  • It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.

    – Arnold Schwarzenegger

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  • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

    – Arnold Schwarzenegger

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  • It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

    – Arthur C. Clarke

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  • The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

    – Arthur C. Clarke

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  • I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

    – Arthur Conan Doyle

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  • I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.

    – Charles Darwin

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  • Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

    – Charles Dudley Warner

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  • Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.

    – Charles Kettering

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  • I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

    – Charles M. Schulz

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  • I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.

    – Charles M. Schulz

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  • There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

    – Chris Rock

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  • What’s funny in Italy may not be funny in Spain.

    – Christie Hefner

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  • So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

    – Christina Aguilera

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  • What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.

    – Christopher Fry

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  • 50+ Funny Quotes and Images :

  • Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

    – Christopher Plummer

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  • A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’

    – Claude Pepper

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  • They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

    – Clint Eastwood

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  • If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

    – Clint Eastwood

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  • It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

    – Dave Barry

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  • The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

    – Dave Barry

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  • When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

    – David Brenner

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  • A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.

    – David Brenner

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  • I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

    – David Lee Roth

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  • I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

    – David Letterman

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  • It’s funny because it’s funny.

    – David Spade

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  • My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

    – Jimmy Durante

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  • The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

    – Jimmy Fallon

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  • I thought I was funny as a kid.

    – Jo Brand

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  • If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

    – Joan Rivers

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  • I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

    – Joan Rivers

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  • Never floss with a stranger.

    – Joan Rivers

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  • Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

    – Joan Rivers

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  • I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    – Joan Rivers

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  • The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

    – Joe E. Lewis

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  • I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

    – Joe E. Lewis

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  • That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

    – Joe Rogan

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  • Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

    – Joey Adams

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